If you thought The Honeymooners remake was bad

My wife regularly teases me that someone will remake Caddyshack with an all black cast. Out of boredom (and an attempt to own my fear), I will now try to cast the main characters in the movie, titled (of course) 'Tha Shack'

Ted Knight/Judge Elihu Smails - Phil Morris
The go to beaugois black guy, last seen as the foil to Wanda Sykes in her short lived sitcom.

Chevy Chase/Ty Webb - Damon Wayans
Samuel L. Jackson should own this role, but he wouldn't take it, considering the movie would be packed with athlete and rapper cameos. Now that My Wife & Kids is cancelled, Damon has some time on his hands. He would have to play it straight though; I still don't forgive him for ruining Bamboozled.

Michael O'Keefe/Danny Noonan - Nick Cannon
I think he is still young looking enough to play a teenager. And as Dave Chappelle's son knows, he's hilarious.

Rodney Dangerfield/Al Czervik - Busta Rhymes
Unlike, for example, L. L. Cool J, who is equal parts actor and rapper, Busta is a rapper first. He can act a little though; his performance in Finding Forrester was credible. He could easily play the over the top blinged out rapper who joins the club, annoying the more conservative members.

Bill Murray/Carl Spackler - Mike Epps
Another role that should go to someone else (Dave Chappelle could just reprise his role in Undercover Brother and clean up, but I would be too afraid he would leave halfway through filming to get his head right in Somalia). Since Mike is contractually obligated to appear in every black ensemble cast, I'll put him here.

Of course, there would be scenes that would make me squirm in my seat:

• The Escalade golf cart with spinning rims
• The video hoochie selling Kool-Aid, shots of Hennessey and White Owl cigars out of the beverage cart. Or worse, Moniqué manning the beverage cart
• Everyone showing up to the movie ending golf battle wearing red shirts and black pants, like Tiger Woods

When it movie comes out, I’ll cry. The only way it could be worse is if the announcer says ‘From the producers of Soul Plane’ during the commercial.

WTF?!?

He had to go all the way to South Africa to get his mind right?

Comedy Central star Dave Chappelle has checked himself into a mental health
facility in South Africa, the magazine Entertainment Weekly reported on
Wednesday
....
Chappelle flew from Newark, N.J., to South Africa on April 28 for
treatment, said the magazine, quoting a source close to the show it would not
identify. Entertainment Weekly said it had corroborating sources for its
story.

Viacom might as well release the season 2 DVD now. The discs may warp if they are waiting to coincide the release with the start of season 3.

The Jennifer Wilbanks package

Courtesy of the New York Post:

Bolting bride Jennifer Wilbanks was chaste away — by her fiancé's insistence on abstinence, friends of the sex-deprived couple claim.

"She told people the fact that she and [husband-to-be John Mason] were not
having sex was upsetting," a friend of Wilbanks' told People magazine, which
hits newsstands today.

Mason was once a "wild" guy who "dated a lot," his running pal Ted King
said.
But he became a born-again virgin — eschewing premarital sex — five
years ago after pledging himself to his Baptist faith, friends said.

"He's been saving himself for the right woman," Mason's friend Andy
Parsons told the magazine.
And friends say that likely drove the marathon
enthusiast to run — from the altar.
In Wilbanks' hometown of Gainsville,
girlfriends told The Post the 32-year-old woman had once enjoyed a very active
social life — regularly dating men from a local gym as well as firemen.

Some travel agency should come up with the runaway bride package. It would include roundtrip bus tickets from anywhere in the continental U.S. to Las Vegas, three night’s lodging and access to a nightclub in one of the casinos hotels. For women with self esteem issues, escort services can be provided for an extra fee.

I'm Late, Biatch!

Well, damn.

In a surprise announcement Wednesday, Comedy Central said that the highly
anticipated third season of Dave
Chappelle's show will not make its May 31 premiere date.
a d v e r t i s
e m e n t

"Comedy Central has suspended production on the third season
of Chappelle's Show until further notice," network spokesman Tony Fox said in a
brief statement. "All parties are optimistic that production will resume in the
near future."

No official reason was given for the shutdown, but sources told E! News
that Chappelle has been MIA from the set for weeks. There was no indication on
how long the suspension would last.

He must be able to afford the really good weed now.

Cold feet gone too far

Ga. Woman Found, Reportedly Got Cold Feet

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. - A Georgia bride-to-be who vanished just days before her
wedding turned up in New Mexico and fabricated a tale of abduction before
admitting Saturday that she got cold feet and "needed some time alone," police
said.

I'm mostly surprised a black man wasn't blamed for the abduction, setting off a manhunt that would have thousands of black men in Goergia face down on the side of a highway.

Whitlock vs. Blackpot

Jason Whitlock, a columnist for the Kansas City Star and ESPN2, has written a well thought out article regarding his approval for the proposed 20 year age limit for incoming NBA players and his disapproval of Jermaine O’Neal saying the choice is about racism.

Once I totally disagree with.

Fans don't enjoy the game the way they used to, and they're becoming more and
more hostile toward the players. O'Neal has a $100-million contract. In his
mind he's a huge star. He has no clue how much more of a star he would be had he
spent two or three years in college being hyped up by Dick Vitale, Billy Packer,
Jay Bilas, Digger Phelps and Clark Kellogg. O'Neal spent his college years
sitting on the Portland bench, collecting a fat check. That was good for
Jermaine O'Neal. It was not good for the NBA.

There are two problems with this attitude. First, there are bigger reasons American fans aren’t as in love with the NBA than high school players going right to the NBA. For example, as much as I love the New York Knicks, the thuggish style of play they perfected (the ‘Bad Boy’ era Detroit Piston were the originators) under Pat Riley has made the game Wanda from Living Colour ugly, making breaking the 80 point mark cause for celebration.

More importantly, you have drank Billy Packer’s Kool-Aid if you believe the best place a young man can improve his basketball skills is on campus. If the NBA had a real minor league, instead of the loosely affliated CBAs and NDBLs, Jermaine O’Neal would have been playing 30 minutes for a team in Tacoma. Not only would he be improving his basetball skills, ithe carrot of getting called up to the show would help keep his head from getting to big before he accomplishes anything.

David Stern's job is to do what's good for the league. He can't react when the
league bottoms out. He'd lose his job. Stern must improve the NBA now and get on
top of any image problems that might damage the future financial health of the
league.

The last three image nightmares for the NBA were the brawl in Detroit (started by Ron Artest, who went to St. Johns for three years), Kobe Bryant’s rape charges (no college) and Latrell Sprewell (who attended the University of Alabama for four years) choking his coach. Two of the three protagonists were college guys.

But let’s call a spade a spade when you speak of the NBA image problem, if you will excuse the choice of language. The problem is young black men with f**k you money. Thanks to the success of the NBA during the Magic/Bird/Jordan/Stern era (and yes, Stern is as responsible for the current success of the NBA as any of the players mentioned), players don’t have to be squeaky clean to acquire endorsement money. Their salaries are large enough so that they can be tattooed and smoked up if they choose to. You don’t have to be Grant Hill or Shane Battier to make ridiculous cash. You can be Allen Iverson, and if your skills are exemplary, you will get paid.

Not only are players more fundamentally sound after spending a few years in
college, they are far more marketable after going through the NCAA hype machine.

The reason European players are more fundamentally sound than their American counterparts when they begin their respective NBA careers is because the European players have been professionals since their teens before getting to the NBA. The same opportunity Whitlock wants American players not to have.

So, yes, David Stern and NBA owners have a vested interest in the success of
college basketball. There's nothing wrong with that.

Of course there is something wrong with that. College basketball is much more powerful that it should be due to it’s de facto minor league status. As much as I enjoy(ed) watching college basketball, it shouldn’t be the only place an athlete can apply his skills to better himslef.

It's not uncommon for the prep-turned-pro to sit on the bench for three years
maturing mentally and physically. He can't help. He's stealing the roster spot
and paycheck of a veteran who might be able to help a team win. Given the makeup
of the NBA, that veteran player is more than likely going to be the same color
as Jermaine O'Neal.

I fully agree with that. Said prep-turned-pro should be playing for the team’s affliated minor league program.

is O'Neal right that it's hypocritical for the public to be outraged by
high school basketball players' turning pro when baseball players have done it
for years?

Yes, O'Neal is right. The public outcry is hypocritical, and perhaps
driven by a bigoted double-standard.

Perhaps? High schoolers are encouraged to start their professional careers in baseball, tennis, soccer and hockey, just to name a few sports. Jennifer Capriati’s parents should be in prison for child abuse for what they did to their daughter, but America is more ‘worried’ about an 18 year old black boy than a 14 year of white girl.

Making business decisions based on the hypocracy and bigoted double standards of a populace empowers the hypocracy and double standards.

Not dead yet

Yesterday for me was chock full of action. My wife and I went to a funeral for a member of her family in the morning. Later in the day, we submitted a bid for a new home. Those two things are don’t seem to have anything to do with each other, but they do.

During the reception after the funeral, family and friends made comments about the deceased’s life and what he meant to them. I started welling up during the more emotional speeches, and I couldn’t understand why. Later I realized, listening to family and friends tearfully speak about their passed loved one, I am afraid of dying. Not as much out of fear of death, but more out of fear of breaking the hearts of loved ones by dying.

If I died while I was single, while I assume my family would be upset, no one would be without a provider or a parent or a partner. I’ve screwed part of that up by getting married. If/when we move to a new (bigger) home, it would mean a larger financial responsibility. I can’t up and quit my job without negatively affecting my wife. I certainly can’t up and die. And heaven forbid we have kids, then I am stuck having to stay alive.

We will return to your normal opinionated mostly sports related postings later.

Free Jolly Jenkins!

Good news:

The Cartoon Network has ordered 15 half-hour episodes of the popular comic strip
The Boondocks. The animated show will be based on the award winning comic strip
series created by executive producer Aaron McGruder. The series is set to
premiere this October on Cartoon Network’s popular Adult Swim block of
programming. Like the comic strip, the animated series will focus on the
exploits of Robert “Granddad” Freeman and his grandchildren Huey, who is
10-years-old and Riley, who is 8.

Hopefully, The Boondocks doesn't beat Chappelle's Show to my television screen.

Busy, busy, busy

I’m sorry I haven’t posted much lately. The wife and I are looking to sell our current home and buy a new home. Which means lots of work and visions of me sweating over yard work dancing in my head.

I’ll post when I can.

Does anyone know how the NCAA games came out today

Thoughts after following the congressional hearing on baseball and steroids:

McGwire is sunk

There is no way McGwire can deny taking steroids, being the only person, besides Canseco, to invoke his 5th amendment rights. And his ‘I don’t want to talk about the past’ is the new ‘wardrobe malfunction’ in my world.

I’m not surprised by his teary opening statement. He had to sit and hear parents talk about the death of their children due to steroids. The last time we saw McGwire get choked up is at the press conference announcing his last contract with the St. Louis Cardinals. He cried then when he mentioned his foundation, which was and is focused on fighting child abuse. I believe the idea of children suffering makes him emotional, and he got that in spades listening to dead children’s parent testifying their sons idolized baseball players.

I believe he will admit in public his steroid use before the end of the year. The internal and external pressures will be too great for him to stay silent.

By the way, when I heard McGwire say his message to kids would be ‘Steroids is bad, don’t do them’, I nearly ran myself off the road.

Canseco may have experienced the worst book plug ever

In his book, he is an unabashed defender of the use of steroids, under proper supervision. At the hearing, he said he wrote the book over a two year period, and some of the things he wrote then he doesn’t believe now.

This can’t help book sales.

Sammy Sosa looks pretty good

He vociferously denied, under oath, ever taking steroids. He may be lying, but it is very hard to not give him the benefit of the doubt. He wasn’t mentioned in Caseco’s book, he has no connection to BALCO, and there is no publicized investigation connecting him to steroids. The only reason his name has been thrown into speculation is he has big arms and he has hit a lot of home runs.

Jim Bunning is the bitter old man, telling kids to get off his lawn

Bunning, a Senator from Kentucky and a former MLB pitcher, complained almost as much about pitchers not pitching inside and smaller ballparks as he did about steroid abuse. And he stuck up for the players in his era:

"If they started in 1992 or 1993 illegally using steroids, wipe all of their
records out," Bunning said. "Take them away. They don't deserve them. Go ask
Henry Aaron. Go ask the family of Roger Maris. Go ask all of the people that
played without enhanced drugs if they would like their records compared with the
current records."

I’m sure he doesn’t mean all the pitching records. I wonder if he will advocate the pulling of Gaylord Perry’s records, since he was an admitted spitballer.

He also mentioned the 230 pound elephant (Bonds) in the room without mentioning him by name:

When I played with Henry Aaron and Willie Mays and Ted Williams, they didn't put
on 40 pounds and bulk up in their careers, and they didn't hit more home runs in
their late 30s than they did in their late 20s. What is happening in baseball
now isn't natural and it isn't right."

The good thing about getting old is you can say what you want.

Tom Lantos is an idiot

Rep. Tom Lantos (D-Calif.), during a question and answer period with scientists, made references to Martha Stewart and the television show Extreme Makeover. I want to move to San Mateo just to vote against this guy.

Lantos was able to get all players to say they favor federal intervention if Major League Baseball can’t fix their steroid problem. So maybe idiot is too harsh. He does need better focus.

Tom Osborne. TOM OSBORNE?!?!

The head coach of the Nebraska Cornhuskers from 1973 until 1997, currently a Republican congressman from Nebraska, is on the congressional subcommittee holding these hearings. I bet he is happy to be one of the people asking the questions and not one of the people being asked.

Don Fehr is the MAN!

Nothing shakes him. During the portion of the hearings both Commissioner Bud Selig and MLB executive vice president for labor relations and human resources Rob Manfred slightly lost their composure during their grilling. Fehr maintained his calm at all times. He must pee ice water.

Save them kids!

Over and over, I hear that everyone involved talk about the kids, the poor kids that idolize these steroid taking players. But there were no panelists called that work with these steroid taking kids. There were grief stricken parents called to tell the stories of their late sons, but no one who works with young athletes.

Remember, when anyone says they are doing anything for the kids, watch your wallet.

PAB

O'Jays slam Timerlake

R&B veterans The O'Jays apparently lodged a protest about Justin
Timberlake's involvement in their induction to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
...
singer Eddie Levert commented that the band were unhappy about
Timberlake inducting them into the Hall.He said: "We protested, kicked and
stomped. But it is out of our control."Bandmate Walter Williams added: "No
offence to Justin, because he deserves the respect he has earned, but I could
think of a few people who know more about our pain and suffering and
history."

The O'Jays know the truth; Justin Timberlake is a punk ass bitch.

Okay, this is starting to turn into a sports site

Everybody is looking out for the kids these days.

Congress is holding hearings next week regarding steroid use in Major League Baseball. One of the stated reasons for the hearings (besides providing good publicity for the congressmen involved) is to deter kids from taking steroids and emulating professional baseball players.

The NFL recently enacted strict rules against what they called unnecessary celebrations. One of the stated reasons behind that decision (besides cultural disconnect between the old white men who make the rules and the young black men who play the game) was the NFL was receiving complains from youth coaches, saying their players were emulating the professionals.

Everybody is looking out for the kids. Except the ones who should be. The youth coaches. Too many youth coaches abdicate their primary job; developing teamwork and good sportsmanship in their charges. They become more interested in their secondary job; wins and losses.

I played little league baseball. One game, while playing shortstop, I was bored and flicked pebbles at the pitcher while in the field. I was taken out after three innings. After the game was over, the coach asked me if I knew why I was taken out (I was one of the better players on the team and rarely sat the bench). I knew. And I never did anything like that again.

While college and professional coaches aren’t absolved from providing this type of guidance, they are dealing with young adults whose personalities have been formed for the most part. Plus, coaches on that level are hired and fired for wins and losses. Ask Tyronne Willingham why he isn’t the coach of Notre Dame. Or Bill Curry why he isn’t the coach of Alabama.

If more youth coaches, from tee ball all the way to high school, worried as much about the sportsmanship of their players and they did about wins and losses, kids wouldn’t be so apt to ape their poorly acting professional counterparts.

And the kids wouldn’t have to be looked out for so much.

R.I.P. B.I.G.

8 year ago today, Christopher Wallace (A.K.A. Biggie Smalls, Notorious B.I.G., Frank White) was murdered.

My memory is vague, but I believe I was on my way to work when I heard about his death. I was waiting for the bus from Jersey into the city with had my headphones on, listening to Hot 97. The announcement came on and I felt a loss, like something was taken from me. I was in the same place when I herd Tupac was shot a few months earlier and I didn’t feel the same way. Partially because he wasn’t dead yet, partially because I felt he was asking for it, running with Death Row and acting crazy.

If you are a hip-hop fan of a certain age, Biggie vs. Tupac is your Beatles vs. Rolling Stones. I don’t dislike Tupac’s work and I don’t want to bust a gat at Tupac fans, but given a choice, give me Notorious. While I believe Tupac is the James Dean of hip-hop, a iconic figure that shined brightly, Biggie is the better hip-hop artist.

And make no mistake about it, Biggie owned New York. Biggie owned New York in a way Jay-Z, Run DMC, L.L. Cool J, Fat Joe or 50 Cent never did, or could. There was an emotional connection between Biggie and hip-hop fans, especially in New York. Maybe it was because he wasn’t the best looking guy out there. Okay, let me stop playing. He was ugly. Self admittedly ugly. Maybe it was his talent in putting words together. Maybe it was the humor in some of his rhymes. Maybe it was because, even with his most violent, most misogynistic songs, there appeared to be a wink to the audience that said ‘I’m just playing, y’all, having a little fun with this rap thing’ that doesn’t appear in today’s hip-hoppers.

Not counting the Junior Mafia posse album and the posthumously slapped together Born Again, Biggie only put out two albums, the last of which came out after his death in 1997. Besides the fact children were left without a father and a mother was left without a son (and it is almost distasteful to put that face aside), fans missed out on what would be next. We only got a taste of Biggie and Jay-Z on ‘Brooklyn’s Finest’ they were rumored to be planning a whole album together. What would Biggie have done with new styles coming out (anyone who heard him rhyme on ‘Notorious Thugs’ with Bone Thugs N Harmony could attest he could do your style better than you)?

Rest in peace, Biggie. And big up to Brooklyn.

I'm weird: Part I

I came to a revelation about myself recently. I really like sad songs.

Not any generic sad song will do though. I like songs where the protagonist is either neck deep in an unhealthy relationship or psychotic because he or she just got out of a relationship 15 minutes ago. For example:

Down Here in Hell (With You) by Van Hunt
Charlene by Anthony Hamilton
Lovefool by The Cardigans
Just Like A Pill by Pink
Hopeless by Dionne Farris
Cardigan by Pearl Jam

This has nothing to do with my personal life. I have never been more content (except for Freshmen Fifteen’s older cousin; Married Twenty coming to visit me) with the way my life is going. Just a quirk.

It could be worse, Barry

I can’t seem to stop talking about Barry Bonds. Or at least around Barry Bonds.

Jon Saraceno wrote an article about Barry Bonds in USA Today last week. The point he was trying to make is the reason people (read: sportswriters) don’t like Barry Bonds has nothing to do with him being black and more to do with the fact his is an asshole. In the article, he used the career of Frank Robinson as an example of a black man who was truly attacked because of his skin color. At the end of the article he says; Bonds has it easy and doesn't know it.

And that is where he lost me.

There is no denying Bonds has it easier than his black predecessors. But to say Bonds has it easy invalidates any and all claims of prejudice he or any black athlete has in this day and age. By holding up Robinson’s career against Bonds’, he is basically saying, “What’s the problem Barry? We’re not calling you a ‘coon to your face or hanging you or anything. Lighten up.”

The mainstream media (I saw Jim Rome make the same point that Saraceno did on his television show this week), in their battle against Bonds (and don’t be fooled; if and when a reporter gets any proof of Bonds using steroids, he or she will never have to buy an adult beverage in the company of his or her peers) have to be careful not to get too hysterical in their attacks on him. When you reach too far by basically saying there isn’t any prejudice in 2005, or some prejudice is acceptable, you look ridiculous.

Bash the pen from this brother's hand

My wife job puts her in contact with book publishers, giving her access to free books. She is not a sports fan, so when the buzz began for Jose Canseco’s book, Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big, she asked me some questions about Canseco’s career. In return, I got a free copy. It was laying around the house for a couple of weeks until I read it on a flight this weekend.

I’m glad I got it free.

Unlike most books written by sports figures, there is no co-writer. From the level of writing, I doubt there is a ghost writer involved either (my wife insists there was a ghost writer; if there was he or she should be banned from writing anything longer than a laundry list). The publisher, Regan Books, should be ashamed that they didn’t assign one to this project. Between Canseco’s interesting career and his willingness to tell tales out of school about fellow baseball players, there is a lot of raw material in the book that would make a good book if there was a writer with some talent involved in putting it together. The book is being sold on the steroids angle, but he has some interesting stories about life on the road and umpires that, if they weren’t ghettoed in their own respective chapters and fleshed out further, would have added to the enjoyment of the book.

I can sum up the main themes of the book and save you the $18:

• Steroids are a good thing, when used properly. And Jose knows how to use them properly.
  
• Jose isn’t as bad of a person that he is made out to be.
  
• Latino players get less slack than comparative white players by the media.

The last subject runs through the book almost as much as his love for steroids and human growth hormone. It is one of the reasons I think he wrote the book, to have his career shaped on his terms and not through what he considers a biased media. He is very bitter about his treatment by the media in comparison to other players like Mark McGwire and Cal Ripken Jr.; players he referred to as ‘untouchables’.

The book’s release is being used by the media to turn up the heat on Major League Baseball and its player regarding steroid use, so it is good that it is out. This does remind of Dennis Miller’s comments when 2 Live Crew albums were being banned in Florida in the later ‘80s. He said censorship should always be fought against, but he is disappointed artists are forced to go to the wall for songs like ‘Me So Horny’.

I feel the same way about this book.

That is going to be a fun Hall of Fame speech

Barry Bonds had a press conference where he basically flipped the assembled media the finger Tuesday. Words like combative, defiant and angry have been used to describe the tone of his comments. Throw the steroid and BALCO controversies in the mix, and I’m surprised Bonds didn’t bring a flamethrower to the meeting. Most people assume this is just Barry being Barry; that he never had much use for the media in general.

I just think Barry Bonds doesn’t care for white people much.

Oh, I’m sure he has white friends (Greg Anderson, AKA Mr. Flaxseed oil, comes to mind). And he has proven bedding down with a shapely white woman is not beneath him. But the average, run of the mill white person? Not so excited about. Unfortunately for Barry, he has chosen a profession where he is surrounded by average, run of the mill white people. And they want autographs and pictures. And to ask him personal questions in the locker room and at press conferences.

Where was Bonds’ opinion of white people formed? Look no further than his father (the late Bobby Bonds, major league player), his godfather (Willie Mays, considered the best living baseball player) and the man who holds the home run record Bonds is currently chasing (Henry Aaron). I have not a stitch of proof, but I believe Bonds saw his father and godfather treated poorly by the media during and after their playing careers as he grew up. He probably heard them bitterly talk about it around the dinner table. In private. In the bitter tones that come from having to smile and be the bigger man in public.

Hank Aaron may be the best person to use an example of where Bonds attitude may come from. Aaron caught hell for having the audacity to break Babe Ruth’s all time home run record. Not ‘did you take steroids’ hell. More like ‘if you play today, I’ll shoot that nigger head of your shoulders’ hell. Aaron had to just take it. And he is still mad. He can’t come out and say it (he is getting a nice salary from the Atlanta Braves to not complain about not having anything to do), but he is more bitter than skunky beer left outside in the summer. Trust me; shoot some truth serum into Aaron and he will make Paul Mooney sound like Wayne Brady.

Bonds knows this and truly respects Aaron for what he had to go through as much as his baseball accomplishments. One topic you can get Bonds to talk about is Aaron. He has suggested it is more important to him to pass Babe Ruth than it is to pass Hank Aaron, using the weak argument that both he and Ruth are left handed hitters. As opposed to the glee he will feel besting the great white hope of home runs.

The cold war between Bonds and the media will continue until far after he ends his baseball career, with both sides entrenched in their respective positions. The one good thing for Bonds to think about is the last all time great to have this contentious relationship with the media was Ted Williams. Not a bad person to be compared to if you are a baseball player. And the good news for the media is, with Bonds’ age and failing knees, they won’t have to deal with him much longer.

Fore-shizzle!

I got my last Christmas present Friday. It is an Odyssey White Hot 2-ball putter. My brother got it for me before he went back overseas.

I didn’t need another putter, but Mike was going to buy me a new golf bag. Thanks to Ebay, I didn’t need one, and I suggested the putter. By suggested I mean I told him the exact model and size of putter to buy when he went into the golf store, as the only think Mike knows about golf is he doesn’t play.

How did I, a black boy from Brooklyn, become a golfer? Blame the following:

MATT: My friend and father of my godchild. Part of the bachelor proceedings was the ‘Dead Man’s Open’ a golf outing with friends. As a member of his wedding party, I was invited. It was my first time on a golf course as a participant. He also sold me his old clubs when he bought new ones. He doesn’t seem too guilty about introducing me to the game; he laughs at me when I tell him I’m sucked in and it is his fault.

(By the way, it is also his fault that I am not a better golfer than I am now. His wife and I were supposed to learn to play at the same time, but he had to go out and get her pregnant. By the time she recovered from the wrath of Cameron, I had moved from Jersey to Maryland. I hope you are happy, Matt.)

USA NETWORK: After I graduated from college and before I started work at CBS, I took a freelance job with USA Network. I worked in the production truck during the 1995 Ryder Cup, a bi-annual competition between the top American and European golfers. It was my first time on a golf course of any type. As a general sports fan, I knew a little about golf, but I wasn’t a fan. Working the event was my introduction to golf in general. Now, the Ryder Cup may be my most favorite sporting event of them all.

MY RIGHT KNEE: Before golf, my two favorite sports to participate in were bowling and basketball. Unfortunately, my right knee does not much care for running and jumping, especially on blacktop or concrete. One spirited game of full court leads to 10 days of limping around. I needed another sport to channel my competitive juices towards and I couldn’t find a bowling league that fit my work schedule.

There are other reasons that I got involved in golf. A chance to look preppy in golf clothes, a reason to get out of the house, seeing Tiger Woods’ succeed. Whatever the reason, now I am locked in. Just in 2005 I have purchased new Ping irons, a bunch of used Titleist NXT balls (you can be a cheap golfer if you try), and three new shirts (thanks Ebay). I’ll be going out to Arizona for a long weekend with the Mrs. and try all my new gear out.

I’ll probably stink, but with my latest Christmas present, I’ll look good stinking.

Man hating for a price

Phil McGraw, better known as Dr. Phil, had a prime time special last Tuesday. Because my wife is a fan, we recorded the program and watched it last night. The show was nothing more than a night time version of his syndicated show, focusing on relationships. He talked to Jonathan and Victoria from the latest season of The Amazing Race (quite possibly the most distasteful game show/reality show participants ever, right up there with Beth from the Real World: Los Angeles), gave dating advice to a successful woman who is searching for Mr. Right, and counseled an engaged couple, Corey and Mary, who are having doubts about going through with the marriage.

The couple in question had issues. She had banished him to the basement because she felt he was invading her space. He had come up with a sexual contract to make sure the amount of nookie didn’t decrease after the marriage. While watching the introduction, I decided there is no way they should get married, since they were both insane.

So Dr. Phil goes into his shtick, which is supposed to be no nonsense common sense. He pulls Corey aside and, with good reason, derides his idea of a sexual contract. Phil also critiqued how Corey proposed to Mary (in the front yard, while mowing the lawn). Not a four star Dr. Phil reaming, but a strong rebuke to the way he interacts with his fiancée.

Then, it was Mary’s turn. And it happened. Or I should say, it didn’t happen. Phil doesn’t give Mary his patented ‘marriage is not 50%-50%; it is 100%-100%’ speech. He doesn’t give her the ‘what were you thinking!?!’ regarding her throwing him out of the bedroom and into the basement. He gently says she should not stand for anything less then exemplary treatment. I nearly spit out the snack I was eating. Once again, Phil bashes the man and treats the woman with kid gloves.

I may have seen one episode of Oprah when Dr. Phil was a regular. But, from what I have been told, he became a hit by giving people the unvarnished, straight answers to their questions. He got his own show, and did basically the same thing. At some point during the first season (yes, I was watching), some one got to him and told him he had to hammer the men more because women were his audience. And he listened.

Now, I’m not one to knock the hustle Dr. Phil has going. Yes, he is as safe as kindergarten scissors. Yes, most of what he says is common sense. Unfortunately, there are some stupid people in this world that do not have enough common sense to come out of the rain. They need Dr. Phil to tell them it isn’t a good idea to cheat on their spouses, or eat their way to a visit from Richard Simmons, or drop out of school to begin a career dancing on the pole. And the rest of us need Dr. Phil and his rotating freak show guest list to feel superior to. Everybody wins.

I’m funny in how I deal with entertainment. My suspension of disbelief threshold is pretty low. I know the teary eyed teen begging her mother to put down the booze and be a parent on the WB drama went right to her trailer after the scene was over. I just ask performers to try to hide the fact they are after my time or money. Don’t make it obvious. And Dr. Phil is making the nuts and bolts of his show obvious to me.

He's rich; biatch!

I’m worried about Dave Chappelle.

Okay, I’m not worried about his ability to feed his family, with the $50 million deal he signed with Viacom to continue Chappelle’s Show on Comedy Central. That should keep him in high grade weed for a long as he lives (as long as he keeps away from Wayne Brady and his Sherman Hemsley). I am worried that Chappelle’s has peaked as an artist.

First of all, with all his current success, I don’t think Chappelle is an all time great comedian. He, in my opinion, pales in comparison with Sam Kinison (for generating humor out of shocking material), and Chris Rock (for generating comedy from the black experience) for example. I won’t even mention Richard Pryor, who will be the funniest man in the world a year after he dies.

Second of all (and I hope I’m wrong), I don’t know if Chappelle can be as funny as he has been now that he has ‘made it’ financially. Can and will Chappelle keep his nose to the grindstone and put out top flight, original comedy, even though he can take his ball and go home? Chris Rock has been forced to dig deep and bring the funny every time out because, with all his critical achievements, he never truly ‘made it’. I love Chris Rock’s comedy, and he couldn’t get me to see Head of State or Down To Earth. He may be rich, but he doesn’t have f^%k you money. Chappelle has f^%k you money. Eddie Murphy has f^%k you money, and he has become Mr. Safe Family Comedy. It is hard to rage against the machine under 350 count sheets.

Most importantly, Chappelle seems to curse what the success of his show has brought him; more notoriety. I saw him in concert after his first comedy special (Killin’ Them Softly) struggle with a drunken fan, throwing out lines from the special. The guy wasn’t maliciously heckling; he loved the performance so much he couldn’t help himself. One of the main themes of his latest comedy special, Dave Chappelle: For What It’s Worth (which seemed rudderless and rushed on a whole), was how his show made him so famous he couldn’t interact honestly with the public, making it harder for him to entertain and mine for further material. He touched on that problem again at the MTV Music Video awards, apologizing to rapper/producer Lil’ Jon for ruining Jon’s life (Chappelle did a number of skits, impersonating Lil’ Jon, single handedly increasing Jon’s Q rating).

I’m convinced none of the public figures Chappelle lovingly impersonated* (Lil’ Jon, Prince, the late Rick James) minded the attention. Rick James was so offended, he did a tricky double reverse at the 2004 BET Awards; impersonating Chappelle impersonating himself with the now famous ‘I’m Rick James, bitch’ line. The only person struggling with higher notoriety is Chappelle himself.

I hope I’m wrong. The third season of Chappelle’s Show (along with the release of the second season on DVD) was scheduled to begin around this time. According to Comedy Central, the premiere was pushed back to May because of an illness to Chappelle that postponed production. Hopefully, the extra time will be used by Chappelle to recharge his batteries, figure out how to deal with the fame and come out stronger then ever. I’m not betting $50 million on it though.

* This does not include R. Kelly. I’m surprised the Awrra can leave the house after the ‘Piss On You’ and ‘Piss On You (remix)’ videos Chappelle put out.