Sittin' On Peas - Chapter Four: The First Full Day of Not Being Whole

I may have overdone it.

Didn’t feel any pain when I woke up this morning. That was a pleasant surprise. So with that, I did normal household stuff, even though it was suggested I stay off my feet for a couple of days. Which means carrying the two month old around, going to the store, bringing laundry from the bedroom to the washing machine, etc.

I don’t know if the lower abdominal discomfort I feel now (not pain, just enough to remind me I had surgery less than 36 hours ago) is due to the lack of support (I ditched the jock strap Thursday morning) or the increase of activity. I fear wake-up time Friday will be more challenging than wake-up time Thursday was.

One last thing. I didn’t plan this surgery to coincide with the Masters, that was a happy accident. Unfortunately, the gentlemen who run the tournament decided not to let the cameras on until 3pm; by that time I was doing other things (like thinking of swapping my gas smoker with a charcoal one). I’ll try to use (ahem) massive pain I am suffering to hunker down in the basement for a couple of hours tomorrow.


Sittin' On Peas - Chapter Three: The Beginning of the Aftermath

Well, that’s done.

The procedure took less than 30 minutes. I’m home in no pain currently; I’m sure that will change when the local wears off.

I forgot to take the Valium (damn!), but I guess I didn’t need it. I got a prescription for Vicodin, so I can fall even further down the road to chemical dependency. I’ll try not to take any; hopefully Extra Strength Tylenol will be enough.

The only disconcerting part of the procedure was the smell of something burning. That something was me as the ends of the vas deferens were sealed. I didn’t feel anything and I couldn’t see the doctor applying the soldering iron to my most delicate area, but intellectually I knew what was up.

As for what happens to the semen, it gets broken down and absorbed in the body.

At one point, there was a change in shift for the assisting nurse. The change led to these comments:

Assisting Nurse: I assume if you had fantasies of two women administering to that area, it did not look like this.

Me: The costumes were different.

Included in the post procedure instructions was the fact that it will take approximately 20 ejaculations to flush out any semen remaining downstream of the vasectomy (samples at 6 and 8 weeks will also be taken to ensure I am no longer firing live rounds). So basically I have a doctor's note to jerk off. I don’t know what kind of countdown clock I’m going to use, but whatever it is, it will have to be something benign enough to avoid an explanation to the four year old daughter.

Sittin' On Peas - Chapter Two

Thought flowing through my mind a couple of hours before:
  • · I could have negotiated this with the wife better. We both knew The Peanut was going to be our last child, but I volunteered getting this done too quickly. I don’t know what I could have gotten in the negotiation (French Maid outfit? More golf? A banishment of ‘Toddlers & Tiaras’ from the household?), but something could have been acquired.
  • · Have to remember to ask where the sperm goes after the procedure.
  • · I was given a Valium to take before to relax me. It will be my first experience with the drug. It would be sad if a vasectomy was the gateway to a nasty Rush Limbaugh-like prescription drug addiction.

Packed and ready to go. See you on the flip side.


Sittin' On Peas - Chapter One

Things I’ve learned preparing for the procedure:

  • · My wife has jokes.
  • · Target doesn’t sell jock straps.
  • · I won’t be in stirrups.
  • · The reason there is a fractional chance of regaining fertility is, instead of cutting out a section of the vas deferens (the tube that makes semen leaded instead of unleaded) and sealing the edges (forcing the sperm to make an Evil Kneveil like jump to freedom), there is just a snip and and seal with the end butted against each other.
  • · Sterilization is a word used regularly. I’m not terrible excited about that word. Makes me feel like I’m a victim of the Tuskegee Experiment.

Nine hours to go.

P.S. When you look for images on Google for jock strap, you see more scantily clad men with rippling abs than heterosexual men are prepared for.

Sittin' On Peas - Prologue

In under 18 hours, I will go in for a vasectomy.

Since I found out I would be a father for a second time, I knew 2 was the maximum number of children I would want to sire. Combine that with my distaste with wearing condoms for the remainder of my life (which is about 7% of the reason I got married) made the choice fairly clear.

I will be off my feet for a couple of days, it gives me a chance to write about the experience. Stay tuned…